She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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