You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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