my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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