ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
