Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize