he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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