Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
