i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
