God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
