Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
