just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
