I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Randomize
