Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
