How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
