Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
