oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
