I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
