Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize