I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize