if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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