why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize