I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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