There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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