it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
