The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
