yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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