also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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