she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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