we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
