the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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