Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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