he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
