I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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