last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
