Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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