I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
