just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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