i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
