even my farts smell like vagina
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
as a side note pls kill me
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
