I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
