I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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