I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
