It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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