he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
