Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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