Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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