i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
