barbara walters just said penis...
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
