Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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