I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
