Four minutes until I can fart!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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