I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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