I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
