i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
