no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
