I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize