No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
