That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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