My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize