the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
