they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
She made me pour olive oil on her.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
