The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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