The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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