I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
