I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
